Being A Single Working Mom

Being a working mom can be challenging, no doubt about that. Working full time is not something I do by choice, because I'd love to be at home exclusively, for my children. My 2 and a half year old, especially because he needs me the most. I call him super toddler because he's got the energy of 5 kids his age. He's not one to sit still for long that's for sure! My 2 other kids (all boys) are 15 and 12 and at totally different stages of their lives from my 2 year old. I often feel like I'm being pulled in all three directions because they all seem to need me at the same time.

Being a single parent isn't something of choice for me. I mean, I chose to keep my children during those different times of life that I was faced with unwed pregnancies. My two older children share a father who could never get his life together, meaning secure a job in which is his livelihood. He just lacks a lot of things that I can't give him. However, he always been in the lives of my children and, honestly, I'm not sure if I prefer that or the alternative. I mean, it's as if I've been dealing with another child all of these years. I've always let him see the kids though, even during the times that he wasn't paying his child support. I did it for my boys because they love him and I know one day they'll see the truth for themselves.

Now Michael's father came into the picture when I was attending college full time, working full time, raises 2 boys and trying to have a social life. Boy, I sure didn't see that coming!!! We were dating for a short time and then BAM, I'm knocked up and still single! He had just gone through a divorce and had no intention on marrying again. In fact, he didn't even want to be in a serious relationship which I was aware of from the start. After all, I had a lot on my plate already and didn't want that sort of distraction. I knew that we were not destined to be together. Besides, we hardly knew each other. I decided to keep the baby anyway. I said to myself, “Hey you're not getting any younger and who knows if you'll ever get another chance to do this! I've done it before and I'll do it again!” When I think back to the decision I made, I realize that those 10 years between my last child before Michael, Xavier, sure did make me oblivious to the needs of a baby. Especially as a single mother!

Michael's father is involved in his life, but totally unaware of how it really is to raise a child. After his divorce he moved back in with his mom to help her and doesn't seem to have any intentions on moving out. So she's a HUGE support for him when he has Michael. He doesn't have a clue about what I go through but I'll call him a good dad because he loves his son and has been a consistent force in his life. We have our run ins but know that we have to keep it civil for our little boy.

I've yet to meet a significant other, partner, husband...SOMEONE! It's kind of hard when I'm exhausted and just don't have the energy to have a social life. Michael is with his dad every other weekend and the other boys go with their dad on some weekends so I could make the time. I've enrolled in an online program to receive a college degree and feel like that's taken the place of any social life. I just don't know if I'll ever find someone for me. I feel like a tense ball that's ready to explode all the time. Honestly, I don't think I'm worthy of love. I don't think I have the patience, the understanding or the affection to give to someone else. A girlfriend of mine were joking that I'd probably meet the love of my life in the senior home when I'm practically done with my life. I can definitely see that happening...

Posted for D-, single mom to three wonderful boys